I’m reprimanded about once a week for washing the dishes. And it’s not just one person that warns me to stay away from the sink- Debbie, Phil, Kerry, Terri-Lee, Michael, Shane, Tyron, Wendy and Mpho have all discouraged me from cleaning. Most homes I’ve been to have domestic workers / maids who come a few days a week to clean. The college employs a woman who cleans up after all of us and who very nicely brings me tea every morning. With a sardonic grin, people tell me that I’m threatening job security.
I’ve stubbornly resisted adapting to having someone else do the dishes and make my bed. Those who know me well can easily imagine the scene that takes place every other Saturday when Terri-Lee catches me in her kitchen. I used to sneak away from the group outside and man the sink with soap and a sponge, but sneaking isn’t necessary anymore. Everyone knows where I am. There’s still a mini-stand off of stubbornness between myself and whomever finds me until I promise that I will just finish this one last thing and leave the rest. Debbie and Phil aren’t as easily conned. When they call out, “Kristine, what are you doing?” And I yell back, “Nothing,” they know that ‘nothing’ is code for ‘the dishes.’
So, what’s the big deal with the dishes? It seems silly until you recognize that six months ago I was in school, working full-time at an internship, helping with the kids, and cleaning the house about once a week. I had a car and plenty of friends that I could visit whenever I wanted to. I had my own room and all of my possessions. I depended on others but I didn’t need too much help with the basic necessities. I was fairly independent.
The total dependence on others has been the hardest thing about moving to South Africa. I’m still not entirely comfortable with driving a stick shift, so I depend on others to take me wherever I need or want to go. Most of my meals are prepared for me and with my vegetarianism in mind. My flat isn’t ready, so I depend on Debbie and Phil for a place to live. Almost everything I own is still in Texas. Instead of dozens of friends to visit, I now have a few and even those I’ve only known for less than three months.
This is not to say that anyone has made me feel anything less than welcome- everyone I have met has been incredibly hospitable and I am more grateful than I could ever express. And I love South Africa. I can honestly rate coming here as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. But total dependence doesn’t come easily to me.
And somehow I have equated total dependence with dirty dishes.
I doubt it will be such a big deal to me in a few months when I have my own flat and can adequately drive a car (though I’m sure I’ll still avoid roundabouts like the plague). For now, I’ll wash the dishes.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Towards a Better Future
I've never really believed in the Devil. At least, not as a being or force that sets events into motion in the world. Evil, maybe, is an idea I could wrap my mind around, but even that... I don't know. It's probably the product of being brought up in the U.S. where the American dream is believed to be achievable despite all of the socioeconomic evidence to the contrary. Kids in the U.S. are told that they can achieve almost anything if they work hard enough, so the idea that something intangible can come and invalidate all that you have worked for is difficult to imagine. That was a tangent.
What I mean to say is that I never truly believed in evil as a force of its own, but as I was sitting in the girls’ group last Friday I thought about changing that view.
I was SO excited to help lead a group with Talia and Debbie for teen girls from the church. The last time this group met I hadn't even been in South Africa for 2 weeks, so I was more of an observer. That group was on rape and sexual abuse, which was a heavy topic that was handled very well. It was clear from that meeting that the next one needed to deal with self-esteem and self-image. I had a few ideas for this group and I was eager to see how they were received. The group was significantly smaller, probably because we kept changing the date and because some of the girls were in Soweto for the afternoon, but it turned out to be better that way.
We did an activity where we drew our faces on a paper plate and then wrote something we liked about ourselves. We passed our plates around and everyone wrote something nice about everyone else. One girl seemed to be having trouble coming up with things she liked about herself. Debbie asked what we thought God saw when looking at us, and this girl replied that she thought God saw in her someone who could do so much but doesn’t; someone who is always disappointing others. She started crying.
We had to wrap up the group about 15 minutes later. Debbie talked to the girl afterward; Talia and I were waiting nearby for our turn to reassure her. This girl is one of the nicest I’ve met. At church she’s always surrounded by friends and is perennially smiling. She never fails to say hello to me, and to give me a hug.
She believes that because most of her family has died, it must be some kind of reflection on her- some divine retribution for something she has done wrong. I can’t imagine that God would want her to feel so worthless.
It’s not uncommon here to meet children whose parents have been killed. It’s also not uncommon to meet children living with friends, distant relatives or strangers because their parents take out their frustrations over an unfair life on their children. And there are children who are abandoned, taken in by people with big hearts and crowded homes. It has created a legacy of broken spiritedness that is devastating to see. A psychological oppression has taken over the void left by the abolishment of physical oppression in apartheid.
This week two more people I know have attempted/committed suicide. It was horribly overwhelming and made Texas seem very far away from South Africa. And that’s why I’m putting up these two toll-free suicide hotline numbers, one for South Africa and one for the U.S.
South Africa: 0800-567-567
U.S.: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
It seems impossible that no one noticed something was wrong. Maybe the person that noticed didn’t take it seriously. Maybe they didn’t want to get involved. Maybe they thought there was nothing they could do to help or that the person was ‘too far gone’ for anything they said to matter. That’s like saying, “His leg is broken. Might as well chop it off.”
Please don’t ignore or write off suicidal behaviors and speech. It’s a myth that people that talk about suicide don’t actually follow through. Actually, most people that commit suicide have told someone about their plans. Suicide is preventable and depression is treatable.
To quote a friend, “even in the complete and total valley moments, it's important to remember that things do get better.” If you or someone you know is depressed or suicidal, please seek help. Texas and South Africa shouldn’t feel so far apart.
What I mean to say is that I never truly believed in evil as a force of its own, but as I was sitting in the girls’ group last Friday I thought about changing that view.
I was SO excited to help lead a group with Talia and Debbie for teen girls from the church. The last time this group met I hadn't even been in South Africa for 2 weeks, so I was more of an observer. That group was on rape and sexual abuse, which was a heavy topic that was handled very well. It was clear from that meeting that the next one needed to deal with self-esteem and self-image. I had a few ideas for this group and I was eager to see how they were received. The group was significantly smaller, probably because we kept changing the date and because some of the girls were in Soweto for the afternoon, but it turned out to be better that way.
We did an activity where we drew our faces on a paper plate and then wrote something we liked about ourselves. We passed our plates around and everyone wrote something nice about everyone else. One girl seemed to be having trouble coming up with things she liked about herself. Debbie asked what we thought God saw when looking at us, and this girl replied that she thought God saw in her someone who could do so much but doesn’t; someone who is always disappointing others. She started crying.
We had to wrap up the group about 15 minutes later. Debbie talked to the girl afterward; Talia and I were waiting nearby for our turn to reassure her. This girl is one of the nicest I’ve met. At church she’s always surrounded by friends and is perennially smiling. She never fails to say hello to me, and to give me a hug.
She believes that because most of her family has died, it must be some kind of reflection on her- some divine retribution for something she has done wrong. I can’t imagine that God would want her to feel so worthless.
It’s not uncommon here to meet children whose parents have been killed. It’s also not uncommon to meet children living with friends, distant relatives or strangers because their parents take out their frustrations over an unfair life on their children. And there are children who are abandoned, taken in by people with big hearts and crowded homes. It has created a legacy of broken spiritedness that is devastating to see. A psychological oppression has taken over the void left by the abolishment of physical oppression in apartheid.
This week two more people I know have attempted/committed suicide. It was horribly overwhelming and made Texas seem very far away from South Africa. And that’s why I’m putting up these two toll-free suicide hotline numbers, one for South Africa and one for the U.S.
South Africa: 0800-567-567
U.S.: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
It seems impossible that no one noticed something was wrong. Maybe the person that noticed didn’t take it seriously. Maybe they didn’t want to get involved. Maybe they thought there was nothing they could do to help or that the person was ‘too far gone’ for anything they said to matter. That’s like saying, “His leg is broken. Might as well chop it off.”
Please don’t ignore or write off suicidal behaviors and speech. It’s a myth that people that talk about suicide don’t actually follow through. Actually, most people that commit suicide have told someone about their plans. Suicide is preventable and depression is treatable.
To quote a friend, “even in the complete and total valley moments, it's important to remember that things do get better.” If you or someone you know is depressed or suicidal, please seek help. Texas and South Africa shouldn’t feel so far apart.
Monday, October 4, 2010
October 4th
It’s my first birthday in South Africa and it has been a very nice day thus far. Debbie and Phil came in singing Happy Birthday at 6 a.m. while I was making my bed and handed me very lovely birthday gifts. Everyone at the college sang Happy Birthday to me throughout the day in a variety of languages and presented me with a card that I will keep in the future to prove to Mellina that we are indeed friends (which she will try to deny to no avail).
Tomorrow there’s going to be a braai (BBQ) at Debbie and Phil’s house for all of us with October birthdays. We’re expecting 8 people and 2 kids, and a full half of us have birthdays this month.
I did my best to drag out my birthday weekend by being lazy. I stayed with Terri-Lee (Debbie and Phil’s daughter) and Michael (Terri-Lee’s husband) from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. They took me to my first South African pub and introduced me to some of their friends, all of whom are very friendly. On Saturday Terri-Lee and I lay out by the pool and read books. Then she got ready to host a poike (like a braai, only with a slow-cooked stew instead of grilling). The friends that had come to the pub came over to watch rugby, talk and eat. Sunday was quiet. Terri-Lee took me back to Debbie and Phil’s house and we ate outside and watched tv all afternoon.
I was going to say that I wasted a lot of time this weekend, but that’s not true. It’s very hard to “waste” time in South Africa because everyone is so generous with it, if that makes sense. It’s a strange concept to explain until you experience it. Time seems less scarce here; there isn’t as much of a rush. Lying by the pool makes for less of a wasted Saturday and more of a well-spent one. After all, what better way is there to spend a beautiful spring Saturday?
Tomorrow there’s going to be a braai (BBQ) at Debbie and Phil’s house for all of us with October birthdays. We’re expecting 8 people and 2 kids, and a full half of us have birthdays this month.
I did my best to drag out my birthday weekend by being lazy. I stayed with Terri-Lee (Debbie and Phil’s daughter) and Michael (Terri-Lee’s husband) from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. They took me to my first South African pub and introduced me to some of their friends, all of whom are very friendly. On Saturday Terri-Lee and I lay out by the pool and read books. Then she got ready to host a poike (like a braai, only with a slow-cooked stew instead of grilling). The friends that had come to the pub came over to watch rugby, talk and eat. Sunday was quiet. Terri-Lee took me back to Debbie and Phil’s house and we ate outside and watched tv all afternoon.
I was going to say that I wasted a lot of time this weekend, but that’s not true. It’s very hard to “waste” time in South Africa because everyone is so generous with it, if that makes sense. It’s a strange concept to explain until you experience it. Time seems less scarce here; there isn’t as much of a rush. Lying by the pool makes for less of a wasted Saturday and more of a well-spent one. After all, what better way is there to spend a beautiful spring Saturday?
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